I See a Dove

“[Caw], she said ‘at the noon’, I’m not sure what she meant, maybe the title of a novel or something” The sentence came out accompanied by a whisper of the wind from one of the Atma members who told me.

“O...Ou...Okay...Thanks” a little nervously I replied him. I stopped my self from my work, doubtfully thinking about her and all plans. My face didn’t show a smile face but I believe that there was a sense of happiness tempered by fear, and I thought that maybe one day I’ll make another mischief in my middle school days. At the time, the Baskara was showing its valor accompanied by white lumps that couldn’t cover it up. I was just walking around the garden after hearing that and thinking like...what should I do next....

Actually the upheaval was so embarrassing. I was regret enough having that feeling, but lastly I was grateful for the moment because the time, the place and the feel which would be felt after, would come and hold me tightly for several times. And there would be an event equivalent to the vernal equinox in terms of time. Such as intersection of the ecliptic and the imaginary line that always occur and exist as an annual event.

A book called “The Secret” by Rondha Byrne is a non-fiction book about self-improvement, which had changed my outlook and principles on life even to this day, while writing this event. I used it as the reason for tricking the girl of the same age. An agreement was made in it. And yes I did. No, not me, but we made it. It was a deal, a deal I only realized the risk of after the event of the deal had passed. In an environment where men shouldn’t meet women they shouldn’t, I broke it. I don’t know what cloud covered me at that time, but perhaps it was darker than the cumulonimbus, so that there was neither light nor gap for me to restrain myself from doing so. Yes it was a meeting with a girl.

This was not a meeting of 2 humans who were bound by love, nor because of a school envoy or a teacher’s request. The clear one, it was  a meeting that we made (especially me) in fulfilling our curiosity for each other. With the intermediary of the book submission as the reason.

The hum of the day was passing quickly, the earth  kept rotating on its axis and the face of the moon continued to change in every form. Leaving whatever came to the racing second and changed it to be the past.

There was a time, when my thoughts of her, wanted me to move my hands, to do something that I never do before. Shortly after the midday prayer, I rushed to bring my book which written the girl’s phone number in it.

I lined up the numbers on the cell phone that was provided where I was at the time, I danced with the numbers and my thumb pressed the second button on the left and I waited for the sound ....

She took it. No long after that I took an empty class for my talk with her. 

“Assalamualaikum” I started

“Waalaikumsalaam” she responded

For the umpteenth time the strange feeling came into my soul and it happened after hearing her voice directly by my ear. There was another conversation going on, I don’t know how many sentences were spoken, whatever that all I noticed was... her voice.

From that simple dialogue, one thing that made me quite disappointed, was that her arrival would be postponed by 1 week, which meant that the meeting would be delayed. Actually I was not regret for postponing the arrival I just thought that I had to wait for her for a long time.

In the deepest of my heart I wanted the meeting would occur as soon as possible. But the point of fact, the fate said another way and guided me with a great sincerity. The conversation was closed by asking of pray each other about our success in our studying and learning period. It’s difficult to believe but another power and new spirit ware lowered to me. Such my talk effect with her.

The earth kept rotating as usual, the day changed the night, o’clock was ticking unstoppable and the sky was running as it was meant to be. I preferred to spend my time by studying geoscience than the subject of class. I don’t know why, it was my priority to take my aim on it. There was something I had to reach with this all. Because it will be something I am grateful for, even in the current situation.

The day was approaching, right in the night before the day came, I asked for help from my friend. He was an Atma member too and his ability was needed for covering the book with plastic as a protector.

“What do you need?” He questioned

“I need your help for this night only, please stay up, just accompany me and don’t tell people about this” I responded

I really trusted him in this case, and he was helpful. We together covered the book with a plastic protector. He exactly wanted to know whom I prepared it for but  I instructed him to wait for tomorrow. And after that I put it on the place I promised to meet her.

The day arrived.

There was an important sense that I hid from the eyes and minds of others, there was a secret that must remain a secret before everything became a short story in one medium. There was a passing fear covered by curiosity that filled the day with time. As the last touch of me I wrote something on a tear paper with Morse.

It was one of my favourite wise words I ever found. I tucked the tear paper in the ocean of words of the book and I added an animated with it. 

The sun was rising, but in the same time the nimbostratus cloud was covering the sky. Before long, rain was falling. I thought Instantly that the rain was falling as if it existed like  a symbol of despair. What the damn moment!. It was breaking my spirit and my desire to meet her. But in the end, I realized that raining was one of god’s blessings, So I immediately changed my thoughts of disappointment. I just didn’t know, that exactly the sky was supporting me in the day I met her. Just stared at the terrace of the room and thought maybe this plan would fail. The steps I made with anxiety matched the wave of stratus I saw. ‘Legam’ . Without enlightenment. The incoherence between heart and mind triggered the will to remain silent in waiting. Trying to convince myself, I’m delusional. Until the rain came to a halt. Accompanied by an earth science book, I tried to get out of my standpoint. I walked confidently to the meeting place or I can say it as a quite place on parking area to meet her I held my book tightly. Actually

I was accompanied by my friend but everything he asked about, I missed it because my mind was filled by her face. I really wondered how the face was. I had never seen her before consciously. The last time I saw her was on one competition in our place. She was shining with her performance on the stage. For the first time of another cases she amazed me successfully. But I could neither see her face nor her outlook. Distance was the cause. But the only voice which I could feel and hear clearly and it was a little thing made me think enough that she would be the one who I need to talk with. Of course in the case of students with different gander and in the change of information.

 I took a masker and wore it . I kept walking for her and the moment I was waiting for, arrived.

My eyes saw the girl whose cloth was white and she was wearing a white masker when someone asked me “ where will I go Caw?” Exactly I ignored it, I answered it unintentionally instead. I guessed her eyes and mine were connected each other for a moment. But here, I was doubtful. I didn’t know why I couldn’t have enough courage to see her. Actually I didn’t want to speculate that the girl I saw was who I meant. I pretended I didn’t see her. 

Then I kept walking forward and...

When I passed her standpoint, under the cool sky with a stratus shade, the girl’s soft voice came out with a calling tone

“Acaw!”

I glanced at the voice source 

And I felt like “so here she is...” 

There were many people around us, I glanced at her as if claiming a code, I forget what happened after, but constantly I asked her to go to a quiet place I walked further and faster when I came into the place. I took the cloth pouch with the book in it and waited for her there. In just a second, She didn’t come in yet. Then I glanced at the outside fastly and I gave the code to he for coming there. But maybe she didn’t get it.  So I gave the code by body language but it doesn’t matter. She still stayed behind the car. Then I dared myself to go out and come to her. Just to calm the anxiety of me at that time, I made a little conversation with people around with small talk. The steps at that time paved the way, giving destiny a chance to be revealed. While slightly lowering my head I faced her

“Em...so... This is the book”. I said.

“Okay, so here it is. Is this the book u borrow from Usth L?”

“Yeah, it is...” I glanced at her face quickly

“Thanks...” I continued

“Em....” Her voice..

Only that...Such my fate upon her

The heartbeat continued to shake. I forgot if I asked about someone who drove her back then. I forgot, I really forgot. Ironically, all I remember is the image of me giving a book to her. Only that. Really. I don’t remember how to deal with it then. I have to be honest that I didn’t dare stare for long. Please believe.

But I was sure she was the girl. The first girl I intended to meet at that time. A girl who was neither too tall nor short. Soft voice that I quite recognize. Which in the other chance I found out that her birth was exactly one day after the last crescent phase occurred in the second winter or coincided with the sidereal of the 6th month in 1426 H. And when I saw her, he was dressed in white. Like a white dove known for its loyalty, softness and holiness. Yes holiness. That’s why I wasn’t brave enough to go back as close as when I gave her the book. And not brave enough to fall in love and admit something to her. I apologize to myself for having to endure it, until perhaps another opportune moment will come. And I apologize for all the mistakes I made and anything wrong with her, and apologize that she should have known about this feeling at a later time.

Isn’t it quite beautiful to see the white dove fly freely. The one who is free without knowing anything that could break his wings. Maybe her flight was beautiful because she didn’t need to know who owned it other than the creator.

Maybe the moon is beautiful only because it is far

-Mahmoud Darwish

Part Of Ramadan untill 1st of Syawal 1443 H